Sunday, 16 July 2017

Dumpster Diving or First World Perks

What would me dear mother say if she were alive and saw me picking up childrens toys from second hand shops, garage sales and along the side of the road? Skannerluk comes to mind. But if she only knew the life style here she might have a second opinion.

Well let me tell ya something. Every other weekend the lovely people of Winnipeg put items on their curb which they no longer want. This is not garbage or broken items because those are just sent out with the trash. I am talking about working and good condition belongings that are now unwanted. Old working Tvs, Water coolers, stoves, fridges, toys, furniture etc......

So many times I would drive by items that caught my eye but knowing that my mother was looking down on me, I dare not touch it. "Is jy befok?" is something that I would hear in my thoughts. You see even though I am from Africa taking charity was never easy or welcomed. There was always too much pride. Still to this day I am not able to give a discount coupon over the counter because that means I needed it. Unacceptable right there, my pedigree would not allow it.

In Canada the massively popular Tim Hortons Coffee has the Roll Up the Rim challenge. After your coffee is finished you roll the rim to see if you won a car or coffee. I have won many free coffees but for the life of me I am unable to hand it over the counter. I just cant. So I give it away.

I also do not do well with negotiating because that means I need the discount and I come from a royal African family that do not need any discounts. I too have no idea why my thought pattern has evolved as such. What I know is that my mother instilled a sense of pride in us and it has always just stuck.

So mom its time to admit something. I drove past a huge beautiful kitchen set complete with fake pans, cutlery and plastic foods. Thinking about the smile on my daughters face I wrestled my demons and contested my regrets, debated my pride and thought fuck it. I am gonna do it and I dont care who the hell is watching me.

I did a U turn like I was going to save a dying friend on the side of the road. I pulled up jumped out of the SUV,,,,,,ran like my life depended on it. Picked up the huge pink kitchenette and bolted back across the road. They owner was moving and had a container on the lawn. He did not see me which was all for the best.  Within 5 seconds it was in my SUV  but the boot could not close. I was starting to get embarrassed and wanted to take it out and leave it in the road before someone saw me but then I saw rope I hid in my boot (the "just in case rope") and quickly tied everything up. I wheel spinned out of there and surprised my daughter with a beautiful kitchenette I just bought at the shop!!!

She loved it.....

Thursday, 25 May 2017

What the ..........

So it was the big tent sale. That time of the month when the staff get excited to carry heavy furniture outside for the public to view. I guess these guys thought we live in such a nice country we just gonna leave all this leather furniture outside. Such a waste of time moving it in and out. Hey! Just cover them with anti theft plastic sheets. Because no stores here have any security it just makes me shake my head.

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Treacherous Ice Mountain I hate YOU.

Its just something you gotta do. Go up a mountain together with your son and come down enjoying the excitement and thrill of the speed and danger. Elim and I started up the mountain but as snow fell freshly the night before it seemed like the mountain was wrapped in a nice smooth blanket and easy to climb. As we were a 3rd the way up our legs started to sink into deep crevices which were disguised by the snow. Each step was awkward and sometimes painful as well. Some crevices were so deep you could not bend your legs and had to pull them straight out.

With Elim's short legs getting caught I had to hold on to him tightly as I could even through all the padding we had on. Trying to grip his hand or arm through the gloves and thick winter jackets was not easy and I tried my best not to hurt him. I knew that if I let him go it would only take one slip for him to slide all the way down and to be injured by a kid on a snow board.

After like forever we reached the summit. Just a few more steps further. There we were so close to the top I felt like I was in the Death Zone like on Everest as we struggle to breathe in the ice cold air There was no snow on the top and you could see grass under what looked like 8cm of pure ice. I was holding on to Elim with dear life as the wind started to pick up. The view was brilliant and everything around was white. Not a tree was in sight. Young kids and their fathers snow boarding and wiping out on their man made ramps.

As I was looking out to see how fast these snowboarders were going I was concerned about wiping out with Elim. Just then everything went black.................... I could not open my eyes but felt that I was laying on my back. I could feel intense pressure from the back of my head. I decided not to move for a second and cradle my head in my gloves. I then reached for Elim to keep him from sliding. I lay there realizing I slipped on the deadly ice and fell backwards smashing my head on the thick ice. To my surprise no one around us came to check on me. My hat flew off my head, my glasses flew off somewhere and the toboggan was a few meters away.

So this is what a concussion feels like. Will Smith was right. This could kill you. I sat up trying to take the world in focus. I was on the biggest hill in the city but I tell you it was like a fokken mountain. My son looking at me trying to reassure me and help me up. Me thinking that this concussion is going to cause me to vomit so better go down the hill now. I look down and decide that the ride was too steep for me to take with a four year old so we go down another path with less of an incline.

I am on the plastic coffin sled and Elim jumps in between my legs. We motion forward and off we go.  I realize we have no brakes and that the kid and man below will soon be decapitated by our plastic coffin racing towards them. We feel the sled scratching against the ice as we launch like a rocket towards death.

I am planning to wipe out and protect Elim by wrapping him with my arms. The wind against our face we head straight for a man walking back up. As we fly towards him not changing direction I take action and dig my heels into the snow. We slow down slightly and change direction. Success I think. But then Elim turns around and all the snow I kicked up poured straight into his face. The little gap between his hoody, snow jacket and hat is covered in snow and I cannot see his eyes. He starts shivering and crying as I wipe away the snow to see his face. His face was red all over and he had snot dripping everywhere. Well.......what a fokken successful Canadian outing I planned. This bullshit I will not do again. I am done!! We going home so I give him some chocolate milk for destroying his first memory of sliding down a hill at full speed with this Dad and me almost killing myself. Canadians call it tobogganing, I call it the mountain of death ride in a coffin.
Over and Out! Literally!!!!
Actual Mountain we were on, Civic Park.

 This was definately a before picture, believe me. Don't even judge the pictures. It does not do the mountain justice. Whatever then.....

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Almost in Early Grave

 It was a lovely summer evening. The only way to spend it was at a Club Vibe matinee which was the best night club in Cape Town. Everyone and their crews were pimped out from head to toe wearing their parents perfume or Brut. I did my usual thing where I told my crew that I am not fighting with them tonight because I just dont feel like it. The boys were guaranteed a fight every fokken weekend and its the same two nutters causing the drama. You know who you are.

So we walk in club with about 4 bottles and buy 2 jugs of white wine and a jug of coke. The coke is the mixer for the brandy and vodka while the cheap ass white wine is soley there for all the low life friends begging for a drink at our table. At that age we had many of these. You just couldn't get rid of them. I tried!!!! The 2 bottles of black and Gold flake Sambuca is there to impress the talent and lure them to our table. Like stealing candy from a baby.

All I know is that the place was Rocking.....Ready D was on the burn and everyone trying to give him TDK cassette to record his session. Our girl crew had a new friend along for the night who seemed very nice. I was friendly but nothing happened. Thats all I know.

A good night was had by all. Everyone was wasted, some passed out and girls had make up drooping all over the place. The bouncers start clearing out the club and we limp out. Everyone walking home has their own path to take. My cousin and I walk towards a narrow alley between 2 buildings and its pitch dark. We hear a group coming up behind us very animated and threatening. They swamp us so we have no way out and then Mr Braveheart steps up and is all in my face. 

He starts going off how he is going to fuck me up for disrespecting him for taking his girl or something. No idea who this dude is but hes getting more brave with his boys all around him cheering him on. I see no way out as two against 17 don't make sense. Gotta talk my way out of this shit. No back up any where to be seen. I tell this dude to fuck off I don't know what he is talking about. He starts lifting his hands but I know I can take him but not his crew. 

Funny thing is that it was so dark and we were pissed as well so my sight started adjusting to the dark while my brain is finding a way out of this beating. I have a look at his crew and faces slowly become more clear. I am not spiritual but the Lord was with us this time and I recognized them all. They were a crew we partied with many times. I avoid this agro dude still threatening me and start shaking hands with all his boys. We all start laughing when they find out its me they trying to kill. Their boy is still going off and they trying to shut him up and tell him to let it go.Yoor what a save......

They pull him off and force him to walk away with them. With relief in my eyes I look at my cousin who looks slightly disapointed there was no fight. Then out of his brilliance he turns to the 17 man strong group walking away and shouts "Wys raak... more le julle ses voet" translation is "tomorrow you will all be laying dead six feet underground"

The horde immediately turns around ready to kill us so I head them off with all my charm and say we were just joking. I stand between them and block them off but I know its in vain. we gonna die tonight. Why we did not remains a mystery. Sure I knew them but they we an action crew who did not take shit. A few seconds pass I speak to their leader and make peace. He then pulls his guys away and they head off home.

Besides needing new underwear, I could not believe this fokker almost got us killed after the first save. No gun or knife but he promises they all gonna die.This is the last time I go anywhere with him again.

Thursday, 26 January 2017

Hol Brand Chilli Sauce Recipe

My Hol Brand Chilli Sauce Recipe:

  1. Grab a bunch of chillis like above. Ghost peppers, Habenero, Jalapenos, red chillies etc.  Throw them all in a blender and put aside. Wear gloves and goggles for protection. You will find the smell overwhelming.
  2. Grab some colourful peppers, apples, and pears. Toss into a blender. 
  3. Grab a few onions and blend. 
  4. Throw all ingredients in a large pot. Add 1-2 liters of white vinegar.
  5. Boil pot then bring down to simmer. 
  6. Put you finger in the pot and taste. If you tongue burns then its perfect.