The Cape Town Gatsby

Here are some simple rules to follow to enjoy one of my favourite foods that I grea up with in Cape Town. This is usually consumed on the bonnet of your car at 4:00am. I copied the below etiquette as it summed it up perfectly. They all have the standard long roll with fries then you add your toppings which is usually polony slices, steak, calamari, Vienna or anything else you can imagine.

The traditional Gatsby for me is fries, fried polony slices, peri-peri chilli spice, hot mango atchar with tomato sauce. I believe back in the day it cost $US 0.60c. Perfect for after the night club or lunch on a sunny Saturday afternoon in Athlone where the best Gatsby's are made.

Shafiek Fiekiejoe Joseph

 

The Great Gatsby Etiquette
1. Keep the time between purchase and consumption of the Gatsby as short as possible. Cold chips are no one's friend.
2. Cut the Gatsby into a maximum of four pieces. Anything smaller is a gross injustice to the Gatsby because there's no way you'll be filled by a fifth or less.

3. Any chip falling from any given piece of the Gatsby is considered fair game. The ruling on this is final.
4. When separating the Gatsby, note the point of division: practice absolute precision here to avoid taking the bottom roll of the next person's piece. Ask for assistance if necessary.

5. You must finish your share. Besides it being a terrible waste, you'll be scorned by the Gatsby Fraternity for all time for being vesin (silly)
6. Grip is critical. Cup your piece in your hand so that loose bits have nowhere to fall except back into your hands. Avoid the scenario described in Point 3.
7. Never, ever leave the Gatsby unattended. It will "walk away"
8. It's best to accompany the Gatsby with a beverage, ie Jive, Frulati or Cabana. Hearty burping guarantees relief.

9. Observe relative silence when consuming the Gatsby. No one likes to talk and eat at the same time. See Point 1 regarding cold chips.
10. Always wash hands with soap and water at the conclusion to avoid getting a spicy finger in the eye, a condition commonly known as "Gatsby Eye". The only cure is self-induced crying. No one wants to see that, so just make the trip and wash your damn hands.
11. The bra that contributes the least towards the gatsby gets the smallest piece...
12. The Gatsby is not supposed to be eaten out of a plate, so make sure you ask the BB.Sc (Bra Behind Shop Counter) to double wrap the Gatsby to ensure enough paper for everyone.
13. Avoid eye contact with anyone not eating the Gatsby for fear of them asking for a stukkie (piece) or shouting "kap 'n baat".Alternatively turn the music volume up in your car.

14. When sipping on the Frulati (fruity juice), make sure you only have 2 sips then pass... anyone attempting more than 2 sips forfeit the next round.NO BACKWASH!!!
15. Nothing on the Gatsby is to be wasted (refer point 5), that includes any salads or sauces still remaining in the paper...





 

Psycho Sales Techniques

Driving on a beautiful summers day enjoying the view of the river and BAMM straight into a truck! That's how it all started. Against my will I am now forced to purchase a new car and pay for the next few years. Alfie our Corolla was 11 years old and more dependable than most of you no gooders!!

Part 1
I get into this brand new Hyndai Santa Fe SUV. Mr Sales guy is a cool 21 years of age with mother from Guyana, that was my first clue that things are gonna get interesting (because of my love of Guyanese people) He drives off the lot & finds a gravel road along the highway. At the end of the road is a river with a right turn going under the bridge which crosses the river. So Mr Sales guy says Mr Engel let me show you stability and electronic balancing. He takes off like a bat with his foot flat on the pedal. I am holding onto to dear life and can see myself in the police station being questioned why we were floating in the river.

Flying down the road towards the bloody river he takes his hands off the wheels and holds them in the air like I am holding his ass up. Iam like "shit these cops wont believe this story" He then slams his foot on the breaks and the SUV sails over the gravel spraying stones all over the place. Amazingly we come to a stop still on the gravel road and he tells me "look we slid down the road in a straight line, that is stability Mr Engel"

Before I can say "are you Jus in your head" He pulls away with his foot flat down telling me not to worry as he will take a sharp right before going into the river and slide around the corner under the bridge with perfection. I see only a small gap between the river and the bridge and all I am thinking of is these people just made me a citizen and giving me a passport and I am going die in this car with a psycho salesman that missed a few hugs as a child.

Speeding straight for the river I feel myself pressing invisible breaks, with 5 meters to go he serves right without slowing down and the SUV takes the corner like a champ. Its electronic sensors are preventing the car from sliding off into the river and maintain and flat out speed along the turn. At least this is what Mr Daredevil is trying to explain to me.

What on earth is going on here!! He is trying to get me deported cause I just signed my life away just to take the car for a spin and Mighty Mouse over here is hogging the thrill factor. This is too much pressure for the African. I thought the customer is suppose to drive like a maniac while Mr Sales guy tells them to slow down. No ways not at this place. Shit I landed up in the wrong car at the wrong time. The fact that we made that corner has nothing to do with it at all. This oke has some issues he needs to deal with but not with me in the car. My liability extends as far as I can throw him and that's not far.

Part 2

I am not a negotiator & never was. If I don't like you I just walk away instead of playing the cat and mouse sales bit cause I know you got more angles that I just don't care for. So we see this shiny SUV that is just what we want with all the trimmings. I ask what the price and he wants to take us for a test drive. I told him I just survived my last test but he can take me wife. So goes for a drive and she loves the car, so we sit down. I tell him to give me the price and make it snappy as we have other dealerships to go to. He starts looking up the cars at the dealerships I mention and talking shit about them. I tell him to focus on his car and if he makes the sale good for him.

He gives me a promissory note to sign saying if he gives me a deal I will buy the car. I said he thinks I must be stupid to sign a promissory note when he has not even given me the price yet. He says they want it signed as they don't want to do all this work and then I buy somewhere else. Well if you didn't want to work today you should of stayed at home watching CNN!...... WTF are you on man? That's your job to work out numbers and sell shit. You know what you can do with your paper. I go for a walk and want to pack the baby in the car because Psycho salesman here needs motivation to sell me something. Marie tells him I wont sign Jack. Then he goes and comes back with another form to sign? This form says he is explaining all the features of the SUV and needs my signature because below it acknowledges our conversation and I promise to buy the vehicle from him.

Okay that's enough!! He hasn't even given me the price and comes up with this Mickey Mouse sales bullshit. And off to the car I go with the baby! That's what happens when you don't listen to people. You piss them off and you lose a sale. Thank God my wife is the smart one who has time and patience and she elegantly got introduced to the manager who was a superb salesman and closed the deal. I had enough I was hungry lets go eat. Exhausting!!

Sorry Mandela I am more selfish than you!

So on Tuesday I was invited to take the Canadian Oath and become a Canadian citizen. Everyone around me and those at the ceremony were really ecstatic on their achievement. I received praised from many with even a celebration and decorations at work.

I know I should be more excited and proud but I just don't feel that way. Listening to the presiding Officer it is clear that my fellow immigrants taking the oath swam rivers, climbed mountains and dodged bullets just to get here. They have earned a new lease on life and a guaranteed future for their family. I am not saying I didn't struggle but my path was not that desperate. The faces around me showed appreciation that was sincere and grateful. Why was I not?



I love South Africa and have always been its staunched defender. Now I was to recite allegiance to a queen and her family successors. I was to bow down to a monarchy and lay my life down for this woman that lives in another country. As I am writing this it sounds even more absurd. This proclamation is so vital that the official at the ceremony gives you a light Canadian warning that if the officials do not see the oath coming out of your mouth they will not confirm your citizenship so keep your mouth moving or better luck next year. I struggle with this and continue to do so. The only way I stayed on course was my wife's voice in my head saying "don't do anything stupid today just think about the passport" I will redeem myself by saying that if they asked me to go down on my knees I would of told everyone to fuck off! I already declined to put my hand on the bible.

If any of you have read the long walk to Freedom you will know that when the comrades were banned, exiled and harassed some made the decision to leave SA and live in supporting countries while studying and supporting the movement from abroad. Madiba stayed behind and was known as the Phantom as the security police were desperate to catch him while he travelled at night visiting towns and villages. He did not want to leave but instead fight along side the people. For his bravery he spent 27 years behind bars with many others who did the same. So for me to admit that I abandoned my country is harder than you can believe but also not entirely true.


On my life's journey I have found myself leaving the most beautiful city in the world because I was in a dark soul destroying hole that I dug for myself. How I went from death to travelling the world is something only the Lord that I don't believe in knows. Circumstance and lots of luck got me travelling the world for the last 10 years. I can only say that good thinks happen to nice people who have no sense to look after themselves. So travelling led to love and then to a promised land that was beyond understanding. At least I came here on a
cruise ship and not a slave ship.



Its my fourth year in this foreign land and the world makes sense. Money is abundant, Futures are guaranteed and safety is not a concern. As much as I love Capetonians who are the only people in the world that understand me I falter in my resolve. Even though my jokes are not appreciated or sarcastic tone always taken out of context, even though I my words and sayings are misinterpreted and my disdain for following rules is frowned upon I do not want to give up this normalcy I found myself in. The most heartbreaking dilemma is that my family and friends are in a place called home and now I am the guy who visits every 3 years.

I am proud that I could set my family up in one of the best countries in the world. That is all that matters.