Saturday, 25 May 2013

Charles Bronson Wannabe

Watching all these train and bus fights on Youtube has brought back fond memories of Cape Town. Back in the Motherland was like being in a permanent Youtube clip of the craziest drama you could think of.

I was travelling on a train into downtown Cape Town to work night shift one night. Sitting in First class I had a guy sitting opposite me in our compartment. There I was in my finest suit trying to look all business like for the ladies. Then as quick as in an action movie the scene changed drastically. I looked up and found a skanky looking mugger holding a knife to the throat of the guy sitting opposite me. You should've seen the look on his face. I am sure he pissed his pants. He just sat there frozen stiff while the blade pressed against his throat.

Then the terrifying scream of women in the next set of seats pierced the air and immediately I summed it all up. Mr Dangerous here was going to cut this dudes throat if anyone tried to stop his partner from robbing the ladies in the next seat. I noticed these two walked through the carriage earlier but paid no attention. I could see a scuffle with ladies as the mugger was trying to rip her bag from her. The lady fought back screaming and not letting go of the bag. There was this chill in the air surrounded by a feeling of helplessness. I couldn't take it no more. This injustice could not continue. These thugs will have to be stopped. I stood up a meter away from mugger number 1 with the knife. I immediately removed my suit jacket and wrapped it around my forearm. If I was to survive this knife attack I needed some defense.

I shouted at mugger number 2 to leave the women alone but he just continued fight for her bag. All I could do was shout as the dude opposite me was close to having his throat slit. It wasn't a moment later that the mugger ripped the bag from the woman and they both ran out of the train timing it perfectly to it's next stop. I checked on the ladies and they were still very shaken but seemed unhurt. Guy sitting opposite me was relived to be alive and still in shock. I was just pissed that they got away with their stunt.

And to piss me OFF to no extent about 10 men stood up from where they sat in the train once the muggers ran out and the women stop screaming to offer moral support and to see if everything was alright. Bunch of useless chicken shits the lot of them. If they stood up early with me these no gooders didn't stand a chance. Aarrrghhhhh!!!!%$#@$& My wife says I should control my swearing but can you blame me. I cant remember if I said anything to them and I probably did say something shameful about their manhood.

All I wanted to do now was buy my gun and ride the train every night looking for my revenge and not hesitating a second to put these no gooders on their backs just like my friend Charles Bronson in Death Wish 1,2,3,4 &5. Charles my friend we would of made a great team cleaning up the streets while all these other pansies allow women to get robbed.

Friday, 3 May 2013

My name is George and I am a drug addict

I found myself preparing for an operation that would entirely reclassify my threshold of pain. It was an immense decision not taken likely. Did the numerous infections on a yearly basis outweigh the risk of being cut open under general anesthetic. I guess it was, because there I was in a room getting ready to meet the witchdoctor whose gonna slice me open. I could feel my heart palpatations and palms go sweaty as my mind races on and anxiety takes over.

This should of been the most scariest day of my life, was not for the fact that I was the only adult patient in the room. Yes ladies and gentlemen I was surrounded by toddlers who were all in for the same procedure! Now just calm down it was still pretty serious so dont judge.

Long story short.....I was knocked out by Propofol or something awesome like that. MJ would of been proud. Doc said he will see me on the other side and so it was. A few hours later I awake still in a Zulu blues and I immediately requested a cheese hamburger even though my throat was still raw and cut up. It sure was a good laugh. Doc then gave the all clear and sent me home with some A-grade horse tranquilizer and told me not to eat for 3 weeks. And this is where the shit really hits the fan.

So my lovely caring wife looked after me like a saint but as soon as I demanded my horse pills she shut me down like a devil. Turning into a diva she hides my pills and bitches about my self control. I spelt out the word PAIN to her but she completely ignored my cries for help. So what people said about her was right all along, there was something off about her. Turning into a prison warder shouting insults at me, telling me Iam out of control and over to the top. I know the pills are every 3 hours but when water feels like you swallowing minora blades I'll take that shit every 30 minutes if I want to. What happened to compassion and empathy, I guess it gets thrown out the window because of doctors orders. Those quacks don't know crap. Was there no trust? Would I be selfish enough to abuse this liberty. Well......


So in the height of all this pain I wake up swallowing blood. Something in the plumbing came loose and blood came gushing from my mouth as if someone opened a tap. I was rushed straight back to hospital for surgery so they could seal the vessel. Once again I woke up in lalla land and with every minute I was there the pain came back harder and stronger. Thank goodness for the lovely nurses who would shoot me up with morphine whenever I sulked like a little baby. They took good care of me like a true dealer would. All I had to do was charm them with a few stand up routines and they were putty in my hand. I tell you......make a woman laugh and the world is your drug dealer. With a little sniffle they would give me all the happy pills I cry for. How could I not milk that for 4 days.

THE most pain I have ever been in. How these toddlers dealt with tonsillectomy I have no idea. All I can say is adults better beware. You will be hooked on those horse pills just to get your through the next 20 minutes. Dont worry though, its all temporary.