Saturday, 17 November 2012

Inappropriate Conversation

Its time to talk shit!! Why would you go through life with the blinkers on only because your society has deemed things inappropriate?

Can you live with yourself if you have never had the nerve to ask your wife how she cleans her bum after utilizing the toilet? Well....... We all know this is risky territory but what do you have to loose? Get over yourself and be blunt. I always wondered whether my freshy fresh ritual was unique to me or if others shared my process.

Its like a standup comedian said, why do they double or triple ply toilet paper when we all fold it anyway? We do, don't we? Well its because we want to ensure we are resourceful with every ply and the more you can fold the more you save. Its taking a shit One on One. I don't even know where to start with my train of thought so just wish me luck. Iam sure there are a few of you who secretly and ashamedly sniff the air for that sweet and sour toilet smell after use. I can relate to you because there is something alluring about a smell so odorous and foul. You tell yourself the smell is natural and its your own personal bodily products that have produced this guilty pleasure. Oh stop pulling your face, like your shit don't smell? I suppose you shit ice cream then? (this line perfect for sturvy girls) Its the same as being guilty of sniffing Tippex or petrol only now its in the comfort of your favourite room in the house.

For years I had trouble sleeping worried that the toilet paper was not correctly on the holder. Its my fundamental and constitutional right have have the paper roll out from under the roll and not over top. Why family do not take me serious when I discuss this with them, frustrate me to no end......31,32,33,34,35........ My OCD compels me, my OCD compels me.
Have you ever taken time wondering how many ways there are to wipe or freshy fresh yourself. You could stand up or stay seated. The only bitch about sitting down is when your TP gets wet from the toilet water especially if the toilet itself is low. So by some miracle you have to slide your hand under yourself and wipe while not touching the murky waters below. Why has no one brought this dilemma up before? Are you just too shy to ask? Shame.

Then again is it normal for you to look at the paper every time you wipe. Its only logical, so you can intelligently predict when to cease with the action at hand. This means you have to wipe shit on a paper and bring it up to your face so you can peek at it. Ya I know.......we all do it, but is it actually necessary. Why I voluntarily want to look at my shit is something even my shrink cannot explain. But am I alone or will you admit to it?

Talking about dilemmas! When I was small but big enough to go to the toilet on my own I experienced the emergency of my life. I screamed out loud for my mother and she came running. She kicked down the toilet door and to her horror found a large piece of shit on the floor right next to the toilet. I could just see a cartoon bubble next to her head saying "How the fuck did this happen?"
As you know my mother needs no bubble or filter so everyone in the house heard her. Its important to put this in perspective, there I was with as scared look on my face under my little afro and a turd on the floor. lol.

You see I realized that I didn't like the cold ceramic seat against my legs. So in my brilliance I decided to pull a crouching tiger, hidden dragon. I would crouch on the toilet with my feet on the ceramic seat balancing while I aimed for the wishing well below. This has worked well for me for a while until one unfortunate day when my timing disappointed me. So there I was doing the old number two when I turned to right to grab the TP on the wall and I misjudged my finish and let one drop as my ass was turned over the bowl on the opposite end. Its all physics and gravity and was not my fault at all. Now literally shit like this only happens to me. Yes Iam a couple of poops short of a sewer but would not change that experience for the world.

PS: World Toilet Day is observed annually on 19 November. This international day of action aims to break the taboo around toilets and draw attention to the global sanitation challenge.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

A beautiful funeral

Strange but we ask it all the time. "How was the funeral?" ........"Oh it was so beautiful! says the other. Does that allow us to like and disapprove? I suppose if they did not serve food it would be a bad funeral. Well thats how I would rate it.

I once attended a funeral where there were 12 clergy sat up on stage. We arrived at about 9am and the service ended at 1pm. I like the guy but brother please, a man was starving. Knowing this guy he probably thought this is my last chance to entertain you so drag it on. Thank goodness for all the singing as it lightened the mood and muffled the noises from my stomach.

I remember seeing some aunty in the coffin and as everyone knows I still dont have a filter on my mouth. After looking at her I said she looked just like a witch. Iam sure my age & naivety protected me from death ray glares if in fact others heard me. I didnt actually know her and I was just telling the truth, which I have learnt in my later years can be very problematic.

Family trip around the Peninsula - Camps Bay
Thinking back to my ouma's funeral I always remember how heavy her coffin was. She had this huge aluminum casket which had a purple colour changing finish. I always thought she went out in style, if there is ever such a thing. Considering my dear ouma was a small woman I must say she had a Cadillac of a coffin. I think it was so big that us pall bearers were squeezed against the pews as we went down the aisle trying to lift this heavy coffin. I always have fond memories of ouma and wish I was mature enough to pick her brain about life. I would of definately asked her how her life was growing up and what are her favourite lessons learnt.

So I just realized how cheery this post is going to be, but for some reason I had to say something about planning for death and living your life with no regrets. Since my dads death 5 years ago I have been on a mission to be prepared for the worse. I went on a manic mission telling my family to make wills and last rights. I must say the blank stares and complete disregard they had for my suggestions were defeating. Ya I know you dont want to deal with this shit but if you dont then your family will be. So I lawyered up and bought every type of insurance there is......well almost. I downloaded wills from the internet and started a collection. Now that baby is here we will be updating our wills regularly. So what Iam saying is, just be prepared. Tell your family exactly how you feel. Learn to forgive and forget. Dont carry old shit around with you. Make a list of all the kak things you did to people and actually apologize. The harmony this will do is like soul food for your karma.

Since the hectic Cape Town party days I have reached across the ocean to mend my infractions. I apologized for the inconsiderate and imbecilic transgressions to people close to me. If not directly, I brought it up cleverly in conversation but never the less had my moment. If you feel that I have not addressed a wrong against you by apologizing, then Iam truly sorry because it probably wasn't big enough to warrant an apology and you must just be a big drama queen. Enough said.  

Family trip around the Peninsula - Chapmans Peak Drive

Indisputably the hardest thing to do in life must be to bury your child or mother. If you ever thought life was great and would always be the same, wait till you loose your mother. You are immediately forced into adulthood with an ugly huge push. "Iam the old responsible person in the family now!"

Only, at my moms funeral will the priest get lost on his way to the most famous landmark in the city. We finally get hold of him and he says to proceed with the other clergy. Ofcourse we told the other clergy they did not need to come to the grave so there we stand with a full procession and coffin ready in the hearse and no priest for the internment. I then hear someone comment "she's not ready to be buried yet" So just like her to delay her own funeral. What a laugh. She always had to have the last word and done very admirably. Going to miss my wonderful mom. I can hear her say "time to put on your big boy pants now"

Your homework for today would be to text someone you love and take them for lunch. Tell them you read my blog and remind them bluntly they are going to die and you just wanted to tell them how appreciated they are. Ask them how they want to be buried, where their will is and who's looking after the kids. Yes folks, its time to be talk honestly about the worst conversation topic on earth. "but how do I do this?" Its easy. Just be blunt!! Your maturity should be driving you to get this done. You will be forever grateful for my advice. I promise.