Monday, 21 May 2012

The day I contracted the Ebola Virus

Flying to Canada for our second wedding we were on flight 4 of 11 flights. After 22 hours of non stop flying my bum was numb & I needed fresh air. What makes it extra long is I cant drink alcohol due to my special condition - verbal diarrhea. Just a few drinks and I have a desperate need to talk and entertain everyone with my wisdom. The last time I drank on a plane I flew at night - I spoke the head off both people sitting next to me who made like they were sleeping to get me to shut up. After a million more drinks I knew where the flight attendants hid at the back of the plane thats a good 45 minutes of talking kak till they start avoiding me and ran away one by one. Then I sink down to stalking people at the toilets like a psycho at 3am. They have to go and thats when the alcohol says......Hey! you wasted and these people find you interesting.......hahahah. After a while I remember there's a crew kitchen in the middle of the plane so while everyone is sleeping I get to entertain and annoy those flight attendants. .......and just before I started the first on flight karaoke session with the easily accessible intercom..... I was given the evil eye to go back to my seat. Ya....right!...such player haters. So this time I flew sober for everyone's sake.

Well we land and on our way home I start throwing up along the road. I caught a bug and the nausea and vomiting continued for 3 days. Being the tough African........ I took a GrandPa & sucked it up for 3 days. Unfortunately wife & her father caught the GI and had to go to hospital at 5am on day 3. We told the doctor I had it first and we just flew in. Then he heard the infamous word. AFRICA. Yes we came from Africa!! That's all it took. The doctor started getting nervous and paranoid. The next day the hospital was on lock down. No one could enter without face masks and special permission. I couldn't believe it. Some ignorant people always blow shit outta proportion. Now they think I brought the Ebola virus in the country cause all they know about Africa is mud huts, mosquitoes, Ebola Virus & Aids - Now I am worried about being deported but our wedding is in 2 days. This is too much stress for an African. Cant we ever get a break!!

This is where I am from, beautiful Cape Town. Its more beautiful than Miami & 15 times cheaper than London. No Malaria or Ebola. I can understand you watch too much National Geographic and your expectation is negative but don't worry I am here to give you perspective.

My wife and father in law were not allowed to leave but during my visit we escaped the hospital without consent and continued arranging the wedding. Not sure how close we came to wearing surgical masks at the wedding but not even the Ebola Virus could stop our special day!

Sunday, 13 May 2012

When in Rome......

When in Rome...... When in Rome my foot!!

 Ya we will pose with you and thank you for taking the picture but you don't get to tell me how much to tip you. 5.00 Euro a person. Is jy van jou kop af? (are you mad?) I saw them rip off a family of six for 30.00 Euro. I don't care that you have a sword, I am from SA, Ill wrap that shit around your neck like a scarf. Step back and take this Eur 1.00 as a gift. Don't worry wifey I'll handle this, no need to be worried. I feel at home with all these knives pulled out around me. Remember Iam from Athlone and do kickboxing. And if they call the cops Ill just speak Afrikaans till they all give up and just walk away.

Trevi Fountain, Rome, Italy

Trevi Fountain, Rome, Italy
So the only big money I am spending here is that 2 pennies you have to throw over each shoulder into the fountain so I can come back and take more pictures.These fake fairy gladiators were making a killing through being forceful and intimidating. These tourists didn't stand a chance, and it was pissing me off to no extent. I hate bullies cause the nice people are the ones coming off 2nd best. Ofcourse I gave them shit! I love standing up for others but didn't have time on this occasion to be the hero for everyone else. I had this beautiful city to explore with my wife.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

Romance in the Tuscan Valley

Romance!!! My wife's favourite word! I had to step up & make a plan. So when travelling in the Mediterranean, I booked a trip to the Romantic Tuscan Valley in Italy, for a beautiful scenic drive to a mansion once belonging to the Bonaparte Family for a special olive oil tasting and lunch. We explored old rustic towns along the way and took in one of the most amazing sceneries in the world. We were introduced to the art of making olive oil and were treated to a pure Italian lunch.To go above and beyond on the special day I proved my romantic side by getting into an olive tree and picking her olives myself. What a guy hey!!

Tuscany, Italy
I told her that this place was romanticized by thousands of love stories & movies through the years but this is the only time a man risked his life picking olives for his wife. This is where she was suppose to declare her undying love and appreciation to her adoring husband. Alas......she was not impressed and started giving me a lecture about romance and what I did wrong!! What?.....that's what I thought right?


Guess I will have to Google romance and try again. Have I really raised the bar so high I cant match it myself. Or has all these wonderful romantic movies created a such an expectation that our partners feel disappointed with our menial and modest attempts at romance. I could pull a romantic rabbit out my ass too if I had the budget of a Hollywood studio. Maybe I am making excuses but its not for a lack of trying.