Monday, 30 April 2012

Ho Ho Ho.......(Iam not talking to you ma'am)

Only I can make a drama out of a Xmas party........... The day started on a high. We spent thousands of dollars on toys, food & entertainment. We were going to one of the poorest countries in the world to spoil school kids for Xmas. We pulled up with the largest cruise ship in the world to a small island called Haiti. There amongst the palm trees, white sands and crystal clear ocean 5 meters away we started decorating for our party.

Chefs, face painters, entertainers & Santas little helpers were all in place and hyped up. As we were on a Caribbean beach I decided it was time for a Black Father Christmas all dressed up in floral shirt shorts and a Santa's hat. That was the plan initially and then fate stepped in. So Collette had bought a Santa suit before I decided to be Island Santa. As we were still setting up I humored them by agreeing to put the suit on for a picture only. You must understand.....its 38C with 100% humidity. Meaning that 5 mins outside and the sweat is running down your ass like Niagara. Although we were in shorts it was like walking on the beach wrapped in a wool blanket.

So quickly I jumped into this red woolen potato sack of a Santa suit for a quick pic. I had it on for 5 seconds and felt like a hotdog insulated in a foil blanket. The immense heat made my hands swell up and the sweat in my eyes blinded me instantly. Take the damn picture was all my lungs could shout. Just as I began removing my the suit............who pulls up?......but the bus with all the kids......Nooooooo!!!....... Now they all seen me and going crazy in the bus. I would not dare take the suit off now. They don't care that this long sleeved, long pants and hat is drenching sweat out of me like the water off a shaking wet dog.

As the kids were still on the bus, I gave in and had to take a chance. This was too much for me. To hell with the kids, my sanity was involved and I started taking off the suit...........only to get the Look from the wife........You know that look that just beats the shit out of you for even thinking something bad........I was weak, the force was not with me. I put the hat back on and forced a smile. So I finally experienced how a pig would sweat in a sweat lodge. Adding insult to injury I was given a crash course in French and kept on mixing up the Xmas greeting while handing out gifts. Noel joeelle....something......... By this time the suit was like cling wrap, I could only see a blur through my sweaty eyes & the gift were slipping out of my hands. Then as the older kids came they started making requests for gifts & only soccer balls. If my French was any good I tell them to "shut up and take this". After about a 240 kids I got up pushing and knocking past the kids in the ice cream line to get me some, apologizing along the way. It was the next best thing to jumping into that crystal water.

Am I proud of myself? Damn right! All the kids were given gifts by a Santa who spoke back to front french, We sang songs with them, filled their little bellies, painted their faces and most importantly I lost 6 kgs.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Colour blind beauty

Growing up I always knew we were one of the best countries in the world. I always believed we were the smartest in Africa and more modern than most countries. There was nothing more sobering for me than to leave home for the First World.

One of the biggest notables was the amount of multiracial couples of all nationalities that I have met. I knew this was possible at home and seen it on TV a few times - thank you Piet Kornhof/Alan Boesak - but the reality of it all really proved how naive I was. This amalgamation and acceptance of different cultures and races also further entwined families of different nationalities. Why are we South Africans still clinging on to our parents racism and stereotypes?  Have First World countries for the most part really overcome this petty racism? I think so as they are decades ahead but still far from eliminating them.

There are some interesting statistics and stereotypes regarding which demographic and gender prefers which but these lead to misconceptions which are poorly understood by the ignorant. We have to admit that the highest matched statistic is between the darker skinned men and the lighter skinned women. The compatibility between these two are really quite incomprehensible but one that is growing with huge popularity. Sometimes I wonder why this is?

Case Study: Black man comes from a R&B/soul and white female usually from BSB/NKOTB. Hhmmm? He eats spicy hot fried foods while she does pasta and salad. On opposite sides of the kitchen. He never once rode a BMX with a helmet while she would not dare to go on two wheels without the mandatory head protection. Its the law! He would jump the line to get ahead and she would wait her turn. He will tell someone to "fuck off" at the drop of a hat while she would say "sorry" and move out of the way. Its just decorum. He would drive 17 years without a licence with a bar in the boot while she would call the cops on him. lol... He would run madly across the street while she would politely proceed to the cross walk until the light allows pedestrian crossing.

Why this match is so beautiful I will never know. It could be the exciting clash of cultures or a balancing of personalities. I know it works and can only say.........."I Love you babe!" Thank you for showing me the recklessness of my ways and blessing me with some patience and the knowledge that I do not need to shout and swear at people in public. Without you I would just be another hot headed South African.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Oh Lord help me!

Headline: Capetonian runs over pedestrians in Canada!! Lets back step here a little. At school they taught us about traffic lights and pedestrian crossings. Iam sure they were forced to but in reality no one in SA follow these rules. If you crossed the road on a green pedestrian light you will be killed by a thousand taxis running over you like a herd of buffalo running from lions. People in SA think pedestrian crossings are actually bar-codes that police helicopters scan for road names during chases.  More people were knocked over at pedestrian crossings than the rush at an Edgars Red Hanger Sale. They are clueless, especially with with rule that traffic lights don't work after midnight. We only have these pedestrian lights in SA so the rest of the world can think we civilized but its just for show - like your useless plastic car bumper.


Now in Canada - these folks don't play. Pedestrians own the streets and have right of way. I really don't have the discipline or patience to survive here. At home a green light means go. Here it means wait until all the pedestrians are safely across the street while you swear and curse with a fake smile. When I was told I could turn right even on a red light, I thought I was in a Schuster Gag, waiting for Leon to jump out and say "jy is mos befok in jou kop' (you must be bloody mad) You not allowed to turn into any road if people want to cross. Yes have to wait at the intersection like a second class citizen while the privileged class strolls across on their own time. AAarrrhhg

I can only take it one day at a time and hopefully no pedestrians will jump in front of my car!!